"And now back to Pee-wee's Playhouse."

Mmmmmmm, that was delicious. I didn't know Smurf mushrooms tasted so good. Ha-HA!

"Moo-hoo-hoo. Oh, moo-hoo-hoo."

Hiya, Cowntess. Why are you crying?

"*Sniff* Oh, Pee-wee . . . moo-hoo-hoo."

If it's because Magic Screen is all smashed up it's okay 'cause after the show I'm going to buy me a new one. Ha-ha! And you boys and girls at home can get your own Magic Screen, too. Just go to the toy store and get your parents to buy one for you, okay? It won't be as fancy as my Magic Screen, but you'll still have lots of fun with it. Ha-ha! Heheheh. So you see, Cowntess, you don't have to cry.

"*Sniff* It's not that, Pee-wee. It's just that *sniff* Cowboy Curtis did something awful to meeeee, oh, moo-hoo-hoo."

Cowboy Curtis? What'd he do?

"Well, I--I don't know if I can tell you. It's sooooo embarrassing."

That's okay, Cowntess. We're friends, aren't we? You can trust me. Here, blow your nose with this hanky.

"*Snyxxxxxx* Thank you, Pee-wee. Well, I--I don't know if the kids at home should hear this. I'm afraid the subject matter is rather delicate."

Go ahead, Cowntess. If it's too bad the network can censor you.

"I don't know--"

Go ahead, Cowntess. Spit it out.

"It's just that . . . Cowboy Curtis, he . . . he pinched my udder! Oh, moo-hoo-hooooo!!!"

Calm down, Cowntess. It's all right. Lots of cows get their udders pinched.

"They--they do?"

Sure they do. That's how we get our milk. Cowboy Curtis was thirsty, that's all.

"But--I've never been milked before in all my life."

Oh. Well, there's always a first time. Ha-ha!

"What udder nonsense. I'm going to moo-ve to Captain Kangaroo's Treasure House. At least he gives us cows the respect we deserve. Good day, Pee-wee."

Same to you, Cowntess. Boy, what a sorehead she is. I wonder if she knows the Captain isn't a vegetarian? Ha-ha! Oh, well. I'm going to see how the ants are doing. . . . Hi, ants, what's cooking? Ants? Ants! What's the matter, you asleep or-- . . . Oh, no. No! Somebody shook up the dirt in my ant farm. All my ants are dead! AAAAAUUUGGGHHHHH!

"Pee-wee, you didn't say ze Secret Word. You're not supposed to scream until someone says ze Secret Word."

You're right, Globey. ROBOTECH! AAAAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!!! ***DING! DING! DING!***

"He-he-he-he-he."

What's so funny, Randy?

"He-he-he-he. You are, Pee-wee. You're such a sissy. He-he- he-he."

You crushed all my ants, didn't you?

"Eh, who needs ants, anyway? They're all a bunch of pests."

That wasn't a nice thing to do, Randy.

"Eh, that's nothin'. You should see what happened to the Dinosaur Family."

What'd you do to the Dinosaur Family?

"That's for me to know and you to find out. He-he-he-he-he."

COME BACK HERE, RANDY!

***SCREEEEECH! Aa-OOOO-gahh!***

"Hey! Get out of the road, you stupid cow! You wanna get run over or somethin'?"

"How dare you speak to me that way. I'll have you know I'm the Cowntess."

"Yeah? Well you can go jump over the moon for all I care. Get lost!"

"Well, I never!"

"Hey, Pee-wee, the taxi just arrived. It's Dixie and the King of Cartoons!"

Thanks, Mr. Window. I might never have guessed. Hi, Dixie.

"Hey Pee-wee, what's that silly cow of yours doing in the middle of traffic? I almost bashed my fender."

Well, the Cowntess didn't like to have her udder pinched so she's going over to Captain Kangaroo's house.

"You're kidding. The network cancelled Captain Kangaroo a long time ago."

They did?

"Yeah. Nobody's there any more. Dancing Bear joined the circus, the train set's at the Smithsonian, Mr. Moose and Bunny Rabbit are boxed up, Tom Terrific and Manfred the Wonder Dog ran away, Lariat Sam's in jail, Mr. Greenjeans is on welfare, and they sold Grandfather Clock to Stephen Spielberg. And guess what the network did to Captain Kangaroo?"

No, what?

"They stripped him of his rank and turned him into a Twinkie salesman."

Gosh, that's awful. What happened to the Treasure House?

"They're renting it to Andy Rooney."

That's TERRIBLE! I hope that doesn't happen to me.

"Bet on it, kiddo."

Aw, never mind that now. Where's the King?

"King? Oh, yeah." ***TA-TOOT-TATA-TOOT, TA--***

You can put away your trumpet, Dixie. Everybody knows you're faking it.

"Whaddaya mean, faking it? I've been blowing this horn since this show started. And I've been doin' a *censored* good job of it, too."

No you haven't.

"Yes I have."

No you haven't.

"Yes I have!"

I hate to disappoint you, Dixie, but some guy in post-production's doing it for you. He plays the notes while you pretend you're Doc Severinson. Besides, you're not even a member of the Screen Musicians Union.

"You're right, Pee-wee. You're right. And I hope you're proud of yourself. Because you've just spoiled it for all the boys and girls watching us on TV. I hope you're satisfied."

Well, Dixie, I think you should know that kids these days are smarter than some adults I know. Anyway, the King's waiting so go ahead and introduce him.

"Introduce him yourself, peach-head. I'm goin' for a smoke."

Uh . . . Ha-ha! Dixie's just joking, kids. Isn't she funny? Heheheheheh. And now, presenting his royal majesty, the King of Cartoons! (Start the organ music, Conky.)

"What was that all about, Pee-wee? Where's Dixie?"

(She's in the kitchen having a drag. Show the cartoons!)

"(The what? OH, oh, yeah.) Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, let the car-TOOoons begin. . . . . . . ??? . . . I said, let the cartooooonns begin."

(What's the matter with the projector? It's not running.)

"(I think it's broken, Pee-wee.)"

(Duh, I know it's broken. So fix it already.)

"(Fix it? Who, me? I'm not a mechanic. I'm a serious actor.)"

"What's the matter, fellas? Having a little problem with the projector?"

Gee, I'm glad you noticed, Dixie.

"I may not be the greatest trumpet player in the world but at least I can fix machines with the best of 'em."

Aw, you're not so bad, Dixie. Nobody can fake a trumpet better than you can.

"Knock off the flattery and gimme some room."

Look, kids. She's using a hairpin to poke inside the projector. Ha-ha!

"There seems to be a short in the--aaa-AAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

***ZZ-zz-zz-zzzzzzzttt--BOOM!!!***

Oh no, the projector exploded! Dixie! Dixie, are you all right?

"I don't think so, Pee-wee. I can't feel no pulse, and her hair's frizzed out like she been electrocuted."

Oooooh, NOOOO! I wish we could do something for her.

***POOF!***

"Wish? Did somebody say wish?"

It's Jambi the Genie!

"What's the problem this time?"

It's Dixie, Jambi. She's been quick-fried to a crackly crunch. Ha-ha!

"Well, she may not be able to play the trumpet but at least she knows how to cook."

That joke's half-baked if you ask me. Do something, Jambi!

"Okay, okay. Now, everybody concentrate and repeat after me: Mekkalekka hi, mekkahiney ho. Mekkalekka hi, mekkachonny ho."

Mekkamekka hiney lekka chonny ho.

"No, no, no, you got it all wrong. It's mekkalekka hi, mekkahiney ho."

Mekkamekka hi, mekkalekka--aw, I can't remember the words.

"C'mon, Pee-wee. You've been saying it lots of times. What's the matter with you?"

It's just--it's just that nobody's ever died in my playhouse before and I don't feel like making a game out of it. Why don't you just make her well again?

"Because you have to say the words. That's how the magic works."

You say the words, Jambi.

"Sorry, Pee-wee. You have to say them or else I can't help you."

You mean you won't help me. Some genie you are.

"That's the way the cookie crumbles, kid. Call me back when you're ready to say the words. Long live Jambi."

***POOF!***

FLAP-FLAP-FLAP. "I know what to do, Pee-wee. I'll go fly over and get Tito the lifeguard. He'll know how to save her."

That's a GREAT idea, Pterry. Ha-ha!

"Be back in a jiffy." FLAP-FLAP-FLAP-flap-flap-flap . . .

Okay, boys and girls, while we wait for Pterry and Tito let's watch a Penny cartoon! Ha-ha!

Hi, my name is Nickel and I'm Penny's brother 'cause they took her to the hospital 'cause they wanted to know how much air she had in her head, and, and the air has clouds in it, and sky, but you know it's like it has airplanes in it too that go whoosh and shoot bullets at monkeys on top of buildings, like-like they fall and go boom in the street where's there's sirens and lights and cars 'cause the doctor says I'm fruitty too and butterfly nets and everything. And, and, so that's the way it is 'cause you're not.

"Pee-wee's Playhouse will be back after these messages."

INSERT COMMERCIAL MESSAGE

Back to part one * On to part three

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