"And now back to Pee-wee's Playhouse."

Hi, kids! Tito isn't here yet, but the King of Cartoons made a great suggestion. You know the story about Goldilocks and the three bears where she eats the porridge and falls asleep, and the prince comes in and wakes her up with a kiss? Well, the King's going to try it with Dixie, okay? And since the King is better than a prince, we oughta have better results. Ha-ha!

"Here goes, Pee-wee."

Kiss the lips, la la la-la; kiss the lips, la la la-la.

***POOF!***

"Good heavens! What have I done?"

Way to go, King. You turned her into a frog.
"H-h-h-how did I do that?"

Gee, I dunno, King. Maybe 'cause you got warts or something.

***POP GOES THE WEASEL***

"Hey, Pee-wee! Pterry's back and he's got Tito the lifeguard with him."

"Hi, everybody."

Tito! Boy, am I glad to see you.

"Everybody's glad to see me. Did you see my picture in Variety?"

Yeah, I sure did. I didn't know you had so many bulges. Ha-ha!

"Yeah, ha-ha. Pterry says Dixie needs some mouth-to-mouth. Where is she?"

There, on the floor.

"!!!! A frog? You gotta be kidding."

No, I'm not. The King kissed her and she turned into a frog.

"How do you expect me to resuscitate a frog?"

I don't know. How do you resuscitate a frog? Ha-ha!

"Very funny, Pee-wee."

Heheheheheh. Hey, I know! Let's pretend Dixie is Snow White and you're Prince Charming. Then you kiss Dixie and she'll turn into a taxi cab driver.

"Aren't you getting your fairy tales mixed up? I thought it was a princess that kissed the frog and it turned into a prince."

Not in my playhouse. C'mon, Tito. Let's try it.

"Oh, all right. I just better not get any warts, that's all. Okay, frog. Pucker up."

Kiss the lips, la la la-la; kiss the lips, la la la-la.

***POOF!***

Hooray, Dixie's back! Yippieeee!

"Ah, stop your yelling, Pee-wee. Hey, Tito, where'd you come from? What happened?"

You got electrocuted fixing the projector, Dixie, then the King of Cartoons turned you into a frog and then Pterry got Tito and he kissed you and now you can live happily ever after! Ha-ha!

"Yeah? I'll believe it when I see it. C'mon, King, let's go."

"After you, my dear."

"Hey, wait a minute. How long was I under, Pee-wee?"

About twenty minutes, Dixie. Why?

"'Cause I left my meter running, that's why. Hey, King, you got American Express on ya?"

"Uh--"

See you later, Dixie. You too, King. Don't leave home without it. Ha-ha!

"How do you like that, Pee-wee? She didn't even thank me."

Well, Tito, you know how some girls are. Maybe when you get to be turned into a frog she'll kiss you someday. Ha-ha!

"You're weird, Pee-wee. I'll see you later."

'Bye, Tito. Isn't he a nice guy? Well, even though the projector is broken we can still watch cartoons with my Magic Glasses! Ha-ha! ***shoomp***

Wow. Look at all those stars. We must be in outer space! And there's a great big spaceship over there. It must be over a mile long! Hey, I know that ship; it's the SDF-1! I must be watching ROBOTECH! AAAUUGGHHH!!! ***DING! DING! DING!***

Ha-HA! Heheheheheh. Uh-oh. I see some giant men and they're getting into some two-legged machines and they're flying after the SDF-1. Oh no, they're firing lasers at it! Now the SDF-1 is launching jet planes at the bad men and they're firing at each other. Oh boy, there's Rick Hunter! He's my hero. He's pressing some buttons and wow, look at those missiles go! BOOM! BLAM! POW! It's just like the Fourth of July! Ha-ha! Now the big ship is folding its arms together and it's turning into a giant robot! It's pointing at the giant men and there's electricity flying everywhere, and BOOM! Did you see that? Did you see that flash of light? It wiped out all the bad guys! Hooray! Heheheheh. Boy, those Japanese sure know how to blow up things. ***shoomp***

Thanks, Magic Glasses, that was a lot of fun. Hey, Conky, how would you like to be a veritech fighter?

*N-n-n-no thank you, P-P-Pee-WEEeeee.*

Some robot you are. You can't change into anything like the other robots do.

*That is cor-RECT but at least I'm cu-cu-cuter.*

FLAP-FLAP-FLAP! "Pee-wee! Aren't you forgetting something?"

What is it, Pterry?

"You haven't checked the Dinosaur Family yet."

Oh, yeah, that's right. I forgot about them. They live in a hole in the wall, you know. Hey, Dinosaurs, you okay in there? Dinosaurs? Hello? Speak to me! . . . Oh, no, they're all--they're all caught in mousetraps! They're all dead! AAAAAUUUGGGHHHH!!!

"Eh, what's the matter now, Pee-wee?"

Randy! Somebody put mousetraps in the Dinosaur Family's house.

"Gee, I wonder who? He-he-he-he-he."

You're making me upset, Randy.

***POP GOES THE WEASEL***

It's Mr. Nice Mouse! Come on in, Mr. Nice Mouse. You boys and girls should know he's the best cartoon critic in Puppetland.

"Thank you, Pee-wee. I am happy to say that you have the best new Saturday morning show in many a season. And you may quote me on that."

Gee, thanks. You really are a nice mouse. Heheheheheh.

"But I can't stand Robotech."

AAAAAUUUGGGHHHH!!! ***DING! DING! DING!***

"I can see you don't like it, either."

Sure I like it. It's just that you said the Secret Word.

"I can't believe you'd actually waste a Secret Word on such a lousy series."

Why is it a lousy series?

"Because it's excessively violent, and it's painfully dull, that's why."

Oh.

"I am very much opposed to violence when its only purpose is to satisfy a producer's prurient desire for a little cartoon carnage."

Oh. But if it's so violent how can it be boring?

"Because most of each episode consists of endless, pointless, clumsy dialog that attempts to dress up the fact that there really isn't much plot in the series."

Gee, I didn't know that. Thanks for telling us about it, Mr. Nice Mouse.

"My pleasure."

By the way, I think you should know that Randy's set up some mousetraps around here so watch your step. The Dinosaur Family got mashed up already.

"Oh, uh, well if that's the case maybe I should go. See you later, Pee-wee."

Thanks for dropping by, Mr. Nice Mouse. And watch out for those cats. I think Sylvester's prowling out there somewhere. Ha-ha! My, what a busy day this has been. I think I shall sit down for a while. . . . !!!!! Chairry! What happened to you? You're all torn apart!

"*sniff* Oh, Pee-wee. While you were looking in the Magic Glasses Randy came down and beat the stuffing out of me."

RANDY!

"And he broke Mr. Window."

RANDY!

"And he cut the heads off all your flowers."

RANDY!

"And he threw all your toys in the garbage."

RANDY!

"And he rolled your foil ball down the hill and it crushed Mrs. Steve's house."

RANDY!

"Hiya, Pee-wee. You want I should set a booby trap for Mr. Salesman?"

RANDY!

"Eh, stop yer yapping. You sound like a broken record."

Randy, you've been very, very bad today.

"Yeah, I know. He-he-he-he-he."

See these scissors? I'm going to do something with them that I've been wanting to do for a very long time.

"You're gonna play with scissors, eh? Pee-wee, you're such a sissy."

Am not.

"Am too."

Am not!

"AM TOO!"

***SNIP SNIP SNIP!***

Am not.

"Pee-wee, you cut all of Randy's strings!"

THAT'S RIGHT!!! HA-HA! HEHEHEHEHEHEHEH!!!

* * *

A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT FROM CBS

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, may I have your attention, please. The Columbia Broadcasting System's Standards and Practices Department requires that all children's programming must have a happy ending. Our research shows that bad endings will warp your minds and you will grow up to be socially unacceptable. We support these conclusions and we agree that bad endings are not in the public interest. We therefore have commissioned a proper ending from the distinguished Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg. We now resume our regularly scheduled program.



"What are you going to do now, Pee-wee?"

Gee, Pterry, I don't know. Almost all my playhouse friends have been wiped out! My fish ate rat poison, Mr. Kite got burned to a crisp, Magic Screen is all smashed up, the Cowntess ran away, my ants got buried in dirt, the cartoon projector blew up, the Dinosaur Family got crushed in a mousetrap, Chairry got beat up, the flowers got their heads chopped off, Mr. Window got smashed, all my toys got thrown away, Mrs. Steve is as flat as a pancake and Tito thinks I'm weird. I wish everything was back the way it was before the show began.

***POOF!***

"Wish? Did somebody say wish?"

Hi, Jambi.

"Well, Pee-wee? Are you ready to say the magic words?"

Yeah, I guess so. If I don't the network's going to be mad at me.

"Okay, repeat after me. Mekkalekka hi, mekkahiney ho."

Oh, okay. Mekkalekka hi, mekkahiney ho.

"Mekkalekka hi, mekkachonny ho."

Mekkalekka hi, mekkachonny ho.

"With sugar on it."

With sugar on it.

"See, that wasn't so tough, was it? Your wish is granted. Long live Jambi."

***POOF!***

"Hey, Pee-wee, everything's back to normal again. The fish are swimming again, the ants are spelling again, the Dinosaur Family is alive and Mr. Kite is flying again. Hooray!"

YIPPEEE! HA-HA! I'm so happy! I'm the luckiest boy in the whole world. Now the network can't be mad at me anymore.

"Pee-wee, look! The Cowntess is back."

"Pee-wee, you saved my life. Those nasty cars were chasing me down the highway and honking at me. It was just awful."

Glad to do it, Cowntess. Just remember kids, never ever play in the street or else you'll get run over, okay? Ha-ha! Well, time to go. See you later, boys and girls. Robotech! AAAAUUUGGGHHHHH! ***DING! DING! DING!***

"You're motorscooter's ready, Pee-wee."

Thanks, Chairry. ***Vroom-vroom-vroom*** Here we gooooo! ***Vrooooooommmmmm***

"Pee-wee, look out! The wall isn't opening!"

AAAAUUUGGGHHHHH!!!

***CRAAAASSHHH!***

*VIP VIP VIP* Hello, b-b-boys and girls, THIS is C-C-Conky the Robot speaking. B-B-Be with us next time when PEE-WEEeee goes to the hospital! Bd-bd-bd-bd--that's all, folks!*

ROLL CREDITS.

Written and produced by Bob Miller

FADE OUT.

THE END.


P.S. In case you're wondering, no, Mr. Nice Mouse never appeared in Pee-wee's Playhouse. Mr. Nice Mouse is the doppleganger of Timothy Fay, a former APATOONer and cartoon critic for Animato!

Pee-wee's Playhouse: The Special Edition satire copyright 1986 Bob Miller

Back to part two

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