Cartoons for Morons:
Captain Planet Fights Environmental Pollution
with Brain Pollution
by Bob Miller
4/17/90

How do you determine which cartoons are worth watching?

Sometimes you can tell just from the show's title, if not its concept, without ever watching a single image.

Such is the case with Captain Planet and the Planeteers, a 26 half-hour series [that premiered Fall 1990] on Superstation TBS and in syndication. Indeed, the series got its start from its title alone, when media mogul Ted Turner ushered Barbara Y. E. Pyle into his office. Turner wanted her to develop a series about a superhero who would fight pollution, called "Captain Planet."

Yes, Captain Planet. How original. Never mind that heroes named "Captain" proliferate like the measles. Captain America and Captain Video and Captain Midnight and Captain Nice and Captain Power and Captain Caveman and Captain Crunch and Captain Cupcake -- and now Captain Planet. Oh, boy.

Early press reports didn't sound too encouraging.

The Los Angeles Times reported that Barbara Pyle created a concept of a group of children called the "Planeteers," each wearing a magic ring. Combined, these rings would summon Captain Planet to fight major threats to mankind such as -- get this -- Verminous Skumm, Dr. Blight, Looten Plunder and Duke Nukem.

Sound menacing, don't they? With names like these, I doubt these villains will get any more respect than Rodney Dangerfield.

(One could argue that the crooks in Dick Tracy have off-beat names, too. But "Influence" or "Flat Top" aren't embarrassing titles, like "Looten Plunder." After all, a villain wants a name to elicit dread, not have people snicker in derision.)

The bad guys, of course, are a "non-specific ethnicity." This is to placate those with the mentality that one villain represents an entire ethnic group. Can't risk offending anybody, these days.

Naturally, the five Planeteers are a racially-mixed bunch from different parts of the world. Each wears a ring with the power to control an element of nature -- earth, air, fire, water, plus a new one, heart. Now, if we had those powers, why bother to summon Captain Planet? Who needs him?

Conversely, why do we need the kids? Basically, they serve as ciphers for our viewers to relate to. Young'uns are a mandatory fixture in cartoons these days, especially with junior versions of Scooby Doo, Flintstones, Muppets and James Bond proliferating on the telly. But, if you were a superhero, would you want children tagging along? Would you risk endangering their lives when battling villains?

The Planeteers take time off at a pollution-free refuge called Hope Island, where they pay homage to Gaia, the spirit of Earth, and call upon her for guidance. Yes, even in the scientifically-advanced Space Age, Ted Turner's progeny embraces the mysticism of the Stone Age.

DIC Enterprises, the makers of Captain Planet, feels viewers will be impressed by the celebrity cast: Tom Cruise [ultimately, David Coburn] as Captain Planet, Whoopi Goldberg as Gaia [later Margot Kidder], and LeVar Burton as a Planeteer. The villains are Ed Asner as Hoggish Greedly and Meg Ryan as Dr. Blight.

Now, wait a minute. Do you watch a cartoon because of whoever is providing the voice? Do kids watch Bugs Bunny just to hear Mel Blanc, or because Bugs is a funny character? Is Donald Duck popular because he's Donald Duck, or because he's voiced by a famous celebrity?

Cartoon voicework is a specialized craft. The actor has to project character in his/her voice, using nuances in inflection and speech patterns to create personality. Just as not all actors can do pantomime, not all actors can do voicework for animation. Are these celebrities -- talented though they may be in live-action -- capable of matching the vocal range of Mel Blanc? June Foray? Daws Butler? Don Messick? Frank Welker? Will Ryan? Hal Smith? I think not.

[In hindsight, one can say that Captain Planet began the modern trend of cartoon producers casting live-action celebrities for their marquee value, regardless of their voice-over inexperience.]

The bottom line is, no matter who does the voice, if the character isn't appealing enough, the viewers will turn the channel to watch someone with more charisma. For instance, given the choice, whom would you prefer to watch: Captain Planet, or Bugs Bunny?

Although Captain Planet is obviously aimed 2- to 6-year-olds, DIC hopes to convince grown-ups to watch, by including double-entendres and "sophisticated witticisms." Do you think adults will stay tuned to something as sophisticated as Looten Plunder?

Captain Planet boasts several "non-paid" consultants to "simplify" the complex issues of the environment: astronomer Carl Sagan, Greenpeace activist Peter Dykstra and oceanographer Jean- Michel Costeau. According to a DIC exec, the show will teach children how they can protect the planet.

Perhaps it's laudable to have a cartoon series promoting ecology, but who will watch it? In the 1970s, the networks programmed "pro-social" shows for Saturday morning. Like Captain Planet, each production had technical advisors to make the shows educational and "safe" to watch. Sealab: 2020 explored the ocean; Korg: 70,000 B.C. speculated on prehistory; Yogi's Gang battled antisocial misfits like Mr. Waste and Mr. Pollution (Hmmm, sounds familiar). Not surprisingly, kids tuned away from these shows in droves. They had had enough education for the week.

As Joe Barbera has said, regarding cartoons, "They should leave education to the schools and the entertainment to us."

Thus do we know about a new series based on its title, its concept, and from publicity. From them we can determine whether a series is worth our attention, without ever watching it.

Let's sample the pilot episode, "A Hero for Earth," to see if our presumptions are correct.

A giant "land blaster" grinds its way through a wildlife sanctuary. It's operated by that mean ol' stereotype Hoggish Greedly. We know he's the bad guy because he has fangs, an upturned nose, pointed ears, beady eyes, and a mohawk haircuts; grunts, laughs at his own threats, and - like most TV cartoon villains - talks like his throat is congested. Greedly has the obligatory sidekick, Rigger, who's along so his boss won't talk to himself.

Greedly wants to drill for oil, even if it's in a wildlife sanctuary. "I'll be so rich I'll be in hog heaven," he oinks.

The machine drills through the earth and cracks the ceiling of the underground bedroom of Gaia, who happens to be the spirit of the Earth. She wakes and is horrified to see that she is polluted. Earth, that is. "The time has come for the rings," she concludes. She teleports "five special kids" to Hope Island. These "Planeteers" will be "the world's greatest hope" in fighting pollution.

Gaia doesn't bother consulting the kids' parents. Nor does she ask the kids if they want to go to Hope Island in the first place. She just interrupts their routines and off they go. Forget about school, family, friends. Let's go fight the bad guys. The kids agree, of course.

There's no time to give the rings an extended workout. Hoggish Greedily is polluting a beach and he has to be stopped! Gaia gives the kids a jet (they're in a hurry and she doesn't teleport them to the scene?) with which, miraculously, they are able to fly. Gaia is with the Planeteers "in spirit." If they get into trouble they can't handle, she tells them to combine their powers.

Greedly promptly sprays their jet with oil (over a long distance? Don't ask me how). "That'll teach them to interfere with the plans of Hoggish Greedily," he says as they drop to the sea.

Unfortunately, they don't crash. The kids miraculously save themselves. Then Greedily threatens to spray the animals with oil if the Planeteers don't back off (even though the animals are already coated with oil!).

This is too much for our heroes. They combine their ring powers, which summon forth - Captain Planet! The heroes' hero, with crewcut hair, skin of blue, and toothpaste smile. Captain Planet! Hero of the environment, who leaves behind a trail of smoke as he flies.

Planet quickly rips the oil pipeline and creates a whirlpool that sucks the oil back into the hole (How? Don't ask), seals the hole and jams the pipe into a trash can! (How can a trash can support a 100-foot-long pipe without toppling over? Don't ask.) He grabs Rigger - "I know just the place for garbage like you" - and stuffs him into another trash can.

Then Greedly sprays the Captain with toxic waste, which happens to be his weakness. "Ha-ha! No one defeats Greedly. No one!" But the girls fetch some water and clean the helpless Captain. The sun recharges our hero just in time for him to wipe out Greedly's machine. Naturally, Greedly gets away. "I'll be back, Captain Planet."

The kids assume mantra positions, and Planet returns to their rings, leaving the kids alone to clean up the animals. What a lazy superhero.

In sampling other episodes, is there any improvement? No. The scripts continue to be laced with dialogue in which the characters state the obvious.

In one story, the Planeteers' jet is iced up. Someone points out, "we're covered with ice!" Wheeler activates his ring and melts the ice. "Look! The ice is melting!" AS Pee-wee Herman would say, "Duh!"

Idiot plots and lapses in logic abound. In another episode, the kids fight a forest fire caused by the crash of a meteor. Oddly, Wheeler - whose ring controls fire - can't stop it. Gi can't drown it with water, Kwami can't bury it with dirt, and Ma-ti's heart power is just as useless. Linka tries to blow it out with wind - which, as any fireman could tell her, would only fan the flames to make it burn farther and faster. Not a bright idea for a Soviet who's supposed to be well-educated; or for Gaia, who could have warned her; or for that matter, the writer of this silly episode. And Carl Sagan - who is said to be a technical advisor on this series - apparently ignored the scientific sloppiness, or else the producers ignored his advice.

The production values are typical of a cartoon when you Do It Cheap. The animation is choppy. The timing of the movement is awkward. The characters' expressions don't match the vocal performaces. The camera angles are bland. And the music is so-so. Now, how can Turner expect kids to watch a substandard show when competing shows from Disney and Warner Bros. are far superior and available at the touch of the remote control or VCR button?

Of course, Turner and DIC want you to at least sample their cartoon. But, knowing what you do now about Captain Planet and the Planeteers, do you really want to?

Copyright 1990 Bob Miller
Abridged edition published in Animato! #21, Spring 1991.

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